If I Had Three Wishes

There are quite a few things that I need to change about myself. Some I have already altered, but others need some fixin. Though they are the ones that I have the hardest time doing so.
If, by some magical circumstances, I was given three wishes and I had to choose something that would better myself as a person (minus all the materialistic things and plastic surgery options of course.) My wishes would be....

Wish 1 -- To even out my emotional imbalances. The constant see-saw of mood changes are unbearable at times. They can change from minute-to-minute or day-to-day, never knowing what will trigger me to flip sides. Aren't you glad you don't have to be around me?!

Wish 2 -- My self-esteem to blossom. I know my lack of self-esteem hinders me from doing and saying alot of things. It would do wonders if I could look into the mirror for a few days straight and not pick apart everything I see.

Wish 3 -- An on/off switch for my mind. This too holds me back from accomplishing alot. I would like to turn it off when I have had too much and turn it on when I feel strong enough to continue. My head can lie to me,, make me see things that aren't there. Not that I'm a schizophrenic, but I have the ability to misconstrue a positive and turn it into a negative for no reason at all.
All my wishes are workable. They can be changed and made a reality. I just have to work on them, but it would be so much easier for that Genie to come along and grant me my wishes. Here's to hoping!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

"The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow", but what if it doesn't? I'm starting to think Annie was on crack.  

  Yes, most of the time I can snap out of a funk.  Then there are the times that I find it tough to shake off the funk.  Being sucked in and overtaken by the shadows for days upon days wondering when they will float away.  

 I miss the beauty of the sun rays and I long for the warmth to touch me again.  One of these days it will hopefully it's tomorrow, in which I will retract my statement about Annie.

Dark Shadows

  Depression has always been a massive thorn in my side, a constant shadow of darkness chasing me as I try and get through the days. It lurks over my shoulder waiting for the opportunity to pounce on my, sometimes, weak mind.  It doesn't take much for the opportunity to appear.  The slightest most minute of incidents happen and I'm done.  Swallowed up by, my old friend, the dark shadow.  I succumb very easily, unfortunately.
  Even the slightest change in routine can get to me.  I know I need them, but I think I rely on them to much.  If it's a little off or if the dynamics of the people within the routines are different, it sends me on a whirlwind mentally.  It freaks me out.  My anxiety is heightened, my body aches, the tension within is explosive and I shut down completely.  Why? I have no idea.  Do I want to change it? Yes. Do I want life to be ridden of schedules and time?  No. Well, maybe a little because I definitely have a hard time when i don't have routines. Do I want to be a bitch to everyone around me? No. Do I know how to fix it?  No fucking idea.   These feelings are probably the top reason in why I'm starting to think that meds aren't such a bad idea.
  My question is, are the dark shadows going to be following me around all my life?  Is it always going to be so easy for it to overtake me and whisk me away to the land of loneliness?  I'm not much of a church goer, but I know you are up there.  So Lord, can you help me out on this one?

It's me, Prudence

  I struggled my whole life with the pain of being engulfed by depression that was enhanced by self mutilation and enticed by self hatred.  Through a journey of dissecting myself and my hurt I learned that writing has been a way to vent my feelings and frustrations.  This blog will be used as a platform to spill the hate and love through my words.  I will have good days and I will have bad ones, but its the days that I am aware that I have the capabilities and strength to dissolve the ways that I feel that I am most proud of.  
  So here it goes my rants, my pleas, my cheers, my fears, but most of all, my words.
 
                                        - Prudence

Back into the Sunshine

Excerpt from "Back Into The Sunshine"

  " I've been trying to find myself for 29 years now. 29 years of a massive Tug-a-War.   I hated every aspect of myself to the depths of my soul. I hated myself both mentally and physically. Every inch, I loathed every minute of every day.  I was disgusted with the way I walked (I thought I walked like a guy with a football players shoulders), talked (I have a habit of slurring my words, stuttering, and not being able to find the words to say), thought (I thought I was too stupid to have thoughts and I most certainly felt I wasn’t good enough to have an opinion so I should just cut that out completely), felt (I felt like shit and I hated it.). You see my entire life inside my head has been very anti-me. I hated myself with a deep and utter passion.  To this day I can’t fully understand the feelings I had and why I felt so dark.  I lived in an everlasting darkness.  If by chance I had a second to breathe and feel lightness I would immediately be ferociously sucked back in and fall into despair again. "