Fear of Death

Ever since the passing of my beloved pup I have an anxiety filled heart and it has been oozing with the fear of death. I'm sure this happens to alot of people. You lose someone close to you and you start to think everyone is a goner and that fear paralyzes you.
I know, most likely, nothing will happen, but that doesn't stop my heart beating out of my chest and my mind from spinning, thinking of what could happen, waiting for my phone to ring with the devastating news.
Until I get over this, I would prefer everyone to stay home, don't go anywhere, don't pop any pills for anything and don't gulp down any alcohol or anything else for that matter. People have died from choking, you know.
Is that going to happen? Nope. So, I'll sit here until these feelings pass, with my pulse rate skyrocketing.

My dreams can suck it

I haven't had a good night's sleep in a while due to the fact that nightmares have been creeping into my mind for the past couple of nights. It has been a constant recycling of a few dreams that I would like to get rid of.
One of which, I was informed by, not only people who I know, but also complete strangers, that my dog is dead and I was incessant that she wasn't, screaming at the top of my lungs that it was untrue. This one has now showed its face three times. It had done its job, I would like it to move on now.
I know my dreams are my subconscious yelling out for me to acknowledge it and I, obviously, have work to do to deal with the loss, but some peaceful sleep would do wonders.
Obla di Obla da Life goes on, I know. It just takes me awhile. Oh, at the end of the dream I finally stop my hissy fit and screams and I accept it that she is gone. So, I'm getting there. My subconscious is letting me know while I'm swept away in a safe place.
"Don’t be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so."
- Belva Davis

July 22 was...

...the worst day of my life. It was the horrificly momentous occasion in which I lost my best buddy, my dog Lucky. She was more than a dog to me though. She was my friend and companion.
I got her, well, to be honest I kind of stole her from my sister and niece, about nine years ago. During that time, I was extremely depressed and I latched onto her quickly because I felt that she brought happiness into my life when I thought I couldn't feel it.
She stayed with me through all my darkness, my immobile moments in my bed and my unwillingness to move on, so I have been questioning if she had a good life or not. I believe she did because she wanted to be there with me. She had a choice to jump off my bed but she didn't. I believe the reason she was brought into my life was to help me, to be there for me and to love me. And she did all that plus more!
I was with her, along with my friend Karina, in the room when she passed. As my and Lucky's forehead were touching, her nose pressed up against mine, she took her last breath that I felt on my neck. That undeniable feeling that I wanted her to either stay or I go along with her eclipsed my mind entirely. When I pulled my head away, my tears spilled onto her nose. That silly part comforts me in the fact that a part of me, even as minute as a teardrop, was with her until the end.
I question whether or not I will be able to handle such a loss, but I will try my hardest. Not only for me, but for her. She worked too damn hard to get me better for me to just throw it all away. It will be hard and it will be tear-filled, but out of respect for her I will do it.
And to those out there that think "It's just a pet", you can go fuck yourselves! Lucky was more than that and I hope she knows the magnitude that she has touched my life, my heart and my soul.

I wonder how it feels to have total control over the way I feel because sometimes it feels like I don't have any. I never know how I will feel in the morning or if something is going to piss me off that day or make me sad or mad. I feel as if I just throw caution to the wind and jump into each day trying to dodge everything that flies by me.
What I do have control over is the things that I can do to try to prevent my feelings from hopping all over the place; Good sleep, venting my feelings, staying away from anything that can make me shoot me up high because it's the free fall afterwards that I have a hard time handling, like caffeine, alcohol and sugar. I do have sugar and caffeine daily, but not much and I'm prepared for it and I only drink alcohol on occasion now.
I'm moody. I'm pissy. I'm tense. I'm angry. I'm happy. I'm hopeful And sometimes, I just can't help it.

Back Into The Sunshine

Here is the Book Trailer to my book Back Into The Sunshine.  Click to watch!

Maybe

"I would earnestly warn you against trying to find out the reason for and explanation of everything...To try and find out the reason for everything is very dangerous and leads to nothing but disappointment and dissatifaction, unsettling your mind and in the end making you miserable."
~Queen Victoria to her granddaughter, 1883

During my many years of Depression that I still battle today, I have searched high and low for a reason to the way I feel sometimes. I believe that there is a reason for EVERYTHING. I think to myself that there has to be some justification to the emotional turmoil in which I have felt. Reasons for my feelings, reasons for my thoughts, reasons for my hurt, reasons for my strength to get me through.
However, I'm starting to feel that during those intense conversations about "Reason" with myself I missed out on the journey of my life. While engulfed in thought, I missed opportunities to get better. I missed times that should have been enjoyed by me. I missed chances for my heart and mind to breathe.
Maybe, I am meant to feel this way. Maybe, I went down the wrong path. Maybe, I am where I should be. Maybe, there's a reason and maybe, there isn't. But, maybe, just maybe, I was meant to go through the pain for the reason of prepping me for something bigger and brighter.

No One Said It's Easy

Having to deal with yourself is the ultimate full-time job. Your thoughts and emotions swirl around you non stop and you never get that break that you so desperately need.
What I had a problem doing though is dealing with them. I, instead, ignored their existence. Pushed them far back in my think tank for future reference.
What typically happens though, is that they come back to haunt me, building up more power sitting in the back waiting to charge at me at the right moment. Usually, they bring other recruits along with them, making it harder to dodge.
I, now try to deal with the emotions that I am feeling at that exact moment. Is it easy? No way. But it's worth every tear because I am still trying to deal with thoughts and emotions from my past.
That is why the book came about and the blog got started. Writing each excerpt is difficult and yet, I feel fulfilled each time.
It's like what Tom Hanks said in 'A League Of Their Own', "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The "hard" is what makes it great."

If I Had Three Wishes

There are quite a few things that I need to change about myself. Some I have already altered, but others need some fixin. Though they are the ones that I have the hardest time doing so.
If, by some magical circumstances, I was given three wishes and I had to choose something that would better myself as a person (minus all the materialistic things and plastic surgery options of course.) My wishes would be....

Wish 1 -- To even out my emotional imbalances. The constant see-saw of mood changes are unbearable at times. They can change from minute-to-minute or day-to-day, never knowing what will trigger me to flip sides. Aren't you glad you don't have to be around me?!

Wish 2 -- My self-esteem to blossom. I know my lack of self-esteem hinders me from doing and saying alot of things. It would do wonders if I could look into the mirror for a few days straight and not pick apart everything I see.

Wish 3 -- An on/off switch for my mind. This too holds me back from accomplishing alot. I would like to turn it off when I have had too much and turn it on when I feel strong enough to continue. My head can lie to me,, make me see things that aren't there. Not that I'm a schizophrenic, but I have the ability to misconstrue a positive and turn it into a negative for no reason at all.
All my wishes are workable. They can be changed and made a reality. I just have to work on them, but it would be so much easier for that Genie to come along and grant me my wishes. Here's to hoping!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

"The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow", but what if it doesn't? I'm starting to think Annie was on crack.  

  Yes, most of the time I can snap out of a funk.  Then there are the times that I find it tough to shake off the funk.  Being sucked in and overtaken by the shadows for days upon days wondering when they will float away.  

 I miss the beauty of the sun rays and I long for the warmth to touch me again.  One of these days it will hopefully it's tomorrow, in which I will retract my statement about Annie.

Dark Shadows

  Depression has always been a massive thorn in my side, a constant shadow of darkness chasing me as I try and get through the days. It lurks over my shoulder waiting for the opportunity to pounce on my, sometimes, weak mind.  It doesn't take much for the opportunity to appear.  The slightest most minute of incidents happen and I'm done.  Swallowed up by, my old friend, the dark shadow.  I succumb very easily, unfortunately.
  Even the slightest change in routine can get to me.  I know I need them, but I think I rely on them to much.  If it's a little off or if the dynamics of the people within the routines are different, it sends me on a whirlwind mentally.  It freaks me out.  My anxiety is heightened, my body aches, the tension within is explosive and I shut down completely.  Why? I have no idea.  Do I want to change it? Yes. Do I want life to be ridden of schedules and time?  No. Well, maybe a little because I definitely have a hard time when i don't have routines. Do I want to be a bitch to everyone around me? No. Do I know how to fix it?  No fucking idea.   These feelings are probably the top reason in why I'm starting to think that meds aren't such a bad idea.
  My question is, are the dark shadows going to be following me around all my life?  Is it always going to be so easy for it to overtake me and whisk me away to the land of loneliness?  I'm not much of a church goer, but I know you are up there.  So Lord, can you help me out on this one?

It's me, Prudence

  I struggled my whole life with the pain of being engulfed by depression that was enhanced by self mutilation and enticed by self hatred.  Through a journey of dissecting myself and my hurt I learned that writing has been a way to vent my feelings and frustrations.  This blog will be used as a platform to spill the hate and love through my words.  I will have good days and I will have bad ones, but its the days that I am aware that I have the capabilities and strength to dissolve the ways that I feel that I am most proud of.  
  So here it goes my rants, my pleas, my cheers, my fears, but most of all, my words.
 
                                        - Prudence

Back into the Sunshine

Excerpt from "Back Into The Sunshine"

  " I've been trying to find myself for 29 years now. 29 years of a massive Tug-a-War.   I hated every aspect of myself to the depths of my soul. I hated myself both mentally and physically. Every inch, I loathed every minute of every day.  I was disgusted with the way I walked (I thought I walked like a guy with a football players shoulders), talked (I have a habit of slurring my words, stuttering, and not being able to find the words to say), thought (I thought I was too stupid to have thoughts and I most certainly felt I wasn’t good enough to have an opinion so I should just cut that out completely), felt (I felt like shit and I hated it.). You see my entire life inside my head has been very anti-me. I hated myself with a deep and utter passion.  To this day I can’t fully understand the feelings I had and why I felt so dark.  I lived in an everlasting darkness.  If by chance I had a second to breathe and feel lightness I would immediately be ferociously sucked back in and fall into despair again. "