Monday, December 3, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Maybe
"I would earnestly warn you against trying to find out the reason for and explanation of everything...To try and find out the reason for everything is very dangerous and leads to nothing but disappointment and dissatifaction, unsettling your mind and in the end making you miserable."
~Queen Victoria to her granddaughter, 1883
During my many years of Depression that I still battle today, I have searched high and low for a reason to the way I feel sometimes. I believe that there is a reason for EVERYTHING. I think to myself that there has to be some justification to the emotional turmoil in which I have felt. Reasons for my feelings, reasons for my thoughts, reasons for my hurt, reasons for my strength to get me through.
However, I'm starting to feel that during those intense conversations about "Reason" with myself I missed out on the journey of my life. While engulfed in thought, I missed opportunities to get better. I missed times that should have been enjoyed by me. I missed chances for my heart and mind to breathe.
Maybe, I am meant to feel this way. Maybe, I went down the wrong path. Maybe, I am where I should be. Maybe, there's a reason and maybe, there isn't. But, maybe, just maybe, I was meant to go through the pain for the reason of prepping me for something bigger and brighter.
~Queen Victoria to her granddaughter, 1883
During my many years of Depression that I still battle today, I have searched high and low for a reason to the way I feel sometimes. I believe that there is a reason for EVERYTHING. I think to myself that there has to be some justification to the emotional turmoil in which I have felt. Reasons for my feelings, reasons for my thoughts, reasons for my hurt, reasons for my strength to get me through.
However, I'm starting to feel that during those intense conversations about "Reason" with myself I missed out on the journey of my life. While engulfed in thought, I missed opportunities to get better. I missed times that should have been enjoyed by me. I missed chances for my heart and mind to breathe.
Maybe, I am meant to feel this way. Maybe, I went down the wrong path. Maybe, I am where I should be. Maybe, there's a reason and maybe, there isn't. But, maybe, just maybe, I was meant to go through the pain for the reason of prepping me for something bigger and brighter.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
No One Said It's Easy
Having to deal with yourself is the ultimate full-time job. Your thoughts and emotions swirl around you non stop and you never get that break that you so desperately need.
What I had a problem doing though is dealing with them. I, instead, ignored their existence. Pushed them far back in my think tank for future reference.
What typically happens though, is that they come back to haunt me, building up more power sitting in the back waiting to charge at me at the right moment. Usually, they bring other recruits along with them, making it harder to dodge.
I, now try to deal with the emotions that I am feeling at that exact moment. Is it easy? No way. But it's worth every tear because I am still trying to deal with thoughts and emotions from my past.
That is why the book came about and the blog got started. Writing each excerpt is difficult and yet, I feel fulfilled each time.
It's like what Tom Hanks said in 'A League Of Their Own', "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The "hard" is what makes it great."
What I had a problem doing though is dealing with them. I, instead, ignored their existence. Pushed them far back in my think tank for future reference.
What typically happens though, is that they come back to haunt me, building up more power sitting in the back waiting to charge at me at the right moment. Usually, they bring other recruits along with them, making it harder to dodge.
I, now try to deal with the emotions that I am feeling at that exact moment. Is it easy? No way. But it's worth every tear because I am still trying to deal with thoughts and emotions from my past.
That is why the book came about and the blog got started. Writing each excerpt is difficult and yet, I feel fulfilled each time.
It's like what Tom Hanks said in 'A League Of Their Own', "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The "hard" is what makes it great."
If I Had Three Wishes
There are quite a few things that I need to change about myself. Some I have already altered, but others need some fixin. Though they are the ones that I have the hardest time doing so.
If, by some magical circumstances, I was given three wishes and I had to choose something that would better myself as a person (minus all the materialistic things and plastic surgery options of course.) My wishes would be....
Wish 1 -- To even out my emotional imbalances. The constant see-saw of mood changes are unbearable at times. They can change from minute-to-minute or day-to-day, never knowing what will trigger me to flip sides. Aren't you glad you don't have to be around me?!
Wish 2 -- My self-esteem to blossom. I know my lack of self-esteem hinders me from doing and saying alot of things. It would do wonders if I could look into the mirror for a few days straight and not pick apart everything I see.
Wish 3 -- An on/off switch for my mind. This too holds me back from accomplishing alot. I would like to turn it off when I have had too much and turn it on when I feel strong enough to continue. My head can lie to me,, make me see things that aren't there. Not that I'm a schizophrenic, but I have the ability to misconstrue a positive and turn it into a negative for no reason at all.
All my wishes are workable. They can be changed and made a reality. I just have to work on them, but it would be so much easier for that Genie to come along and grant me my wishes. Here's to hoping!
If, by some magical circumstances, I was given three wishes and I had to choose something that would better myself as a person (minus all the materialistic things and plastic surgery options of course.) My wishes would be....
Wish 1 -- To even out my emotional imbalances. The constant see-saw of mood changes are unbearable at times. They can change from minute-to-minute or day-to-day, never knowing what will trigger me to flip sides. Aren't you glad you don't have to be around me?!
Wish 2 -- My self-esteem to blossom. I know my lack of self-esteem hinders me from doing and saying alot of things. It would do wonders if I could look into the mirror for a few days straight and not pick apart everything I see.
Wish 3 -- An on/off switch for my mind. This too holds me back from accomplishing alot. I would like to turn it off when I have had too much and turn it on when I feel strong enough to continue. My head can lie to me,, make me see things that aren't there. Not that I'm a schizophrenic, but I have the ability to misconstrue a positive and turn it into a negative for no reason at all.
All my wishes are workable. They can be changed and made a reality. I just have to work on them, but it would be so much easier for that Genie to come along and grant me my wishes. Here's to hoping!
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?
"The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow", but what if it doesn't? I'm starting to think Annie was on crack.
Yes, most of the time I can snap out of a funk. Then there are the times that I find it tough to shake off the funk. Being sucked in and overtaken by the shadows for days upon days wondering when they will float away.
I miss the beauty of the sun rays and I long for the warmth to touch me again. One of these days it will hopefully it's tomorrow, in which I will retract my statement about Annie.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Dark Shadows
Depression has always been a massive thorn in my side, a constant shadow of darkness chasing me as I try and get through the days. It lurks over my shoulder waiting for the opportunity to pounce on my, sometimes, weak mind. It doesn't take much for the opportunity to appear. The slightest most minute of incidents happen and I'm done. Swallowed up by, my old friend, the dark shadow. I succumb very easily, unfortunately.
Even the slightest change in routine can get to me. I know I need them, but I think I rely on them to much. If it's a little off or if the dynamics of the people within the routines are different, it sends me on a whirlwind mentally. It freaks me out. My anxiety is heightened, my body aches, the tension within is explosive and I shut down completely. Why? I have no idea. Do I want to change it? Yes. Do I want life to be ridden of schedules and time? No. Well, maybe a little because I definitely have a hard time when i don't have routines. Do I want to be a bitch to everyone around me? No. Do I know how to fix it? No fucking idea. These feelings are probably the top reason in why I'm starting to think that meds aren't such a bad idea.
My question is, are the dark shadows going to be following me around all my life? Is it always going to be so easy for it to overtake me and whisk me away to the land of loneliness? I'm not much of a church goer, but I know you are up there. So Lord, can you help me out on this one?
Even the slightest change in routine can get to me. I know I need them, but I think I rely on them to much. If it's a little off or if the dynamics of the people within the routines are different, it sends me on a whirlwind mentally. It freaks me out. My anxiety is heightened, my body aches, the tension within is explosive and I shut down completely. Why? I have no idea. Do I want to change it? Yes. Do I want life to be ridden of schedules and time? No. Well, maybe a little because I definitely have a hard time when i don't have routines. Do I want to be a bitch to everyone around me? No. Do I know how to fix it? No fucking idea. These feelings are probably the top reason in why I'm starting to think that meds aren't such a bad idea.
My question is, are the dark shadows going to be following me around all my life? Is it always going to be so easy for it to overtake me and whisk me away to the land of loneliness? I'm not much of a church goer, but I know you are up there. So Lord, can you help me out on this one?
Friday, June 1, 2012
It's me, Prudence
I struggled my whole life with the pain of being engulfed by depression that was enhanced by self mutilation and enticed by self hatred. Through a journey of dissecting myself and my hurt I learned that writing has been a way to vent my feelings and frustrations. This blog will be used as a platform to spill the hate and love through my words. I will have good days and I will have bad ones, but its the days that I am aware that I have the capabilities and strength to dissolve the ways that I feel that I am most proud of.
So here it goes my rants, my pleas, my cheers, my fears, but most of all, my words.
- Prudence
So here it goes my rants, my pleas, my cheers, my fears, but most of all, my words.
- Prudence
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